Introduction
Most of us have had the experience of talking to ourselves. It happens when we're running late for an appointment or trying to get some work done at home. We might say things like: "It's already 5:30? I guess I better hurry up," or "I wish I could finish this paper."
This is what psychologists call internal self-talk. And while it can be motivational—it reminds us of our goals and helps us make them happen—it also has a dark side: negative self-talk.
As Ethan Kross, a psychologist at the University of Michigan who studies internal self-talk, puts it: "When we want to get work done and are focusing on our goals, we need to talk ourselves through those tasks in ways that help us achieve them."
The problem is that most people don't realize how much they rely on negative chatter—and how easy it is to change their habit of putting themselves down when they need motivation instead. In fact, according to Kross' latest research published in Psychological Science (an academic journal), replacing negative self-talk with positive comments can improve performance by as much as 30 percent!
The voice in our minds keeps telling us what to do.
The voice in your mind is what you are thinking. The voice in your mind keeps telling you what to do. It can be the chatter, it can be what we think about and make decisions with, but it's not the answer itself.
It's a great resource for us to have because it saves us time and energy when we don't have to stop and think about something that needs to get done, but it's also one of our biggest enemies when it becomes too strong or negative.
Researchers call that the "chatter," and a new study finds there's at least two kinds of it.
Researchers call that the "chatter," and a new study finds there's at least two kinds of it. Negative chatter is the voice that tells us what to do, like when we're talking ourselves out of something or getting down on ourselves for not finishing something. Positive chatter, on the other hand, is the voice that tells us what we want to do... but it doesn't talk as much. Researchers found that negative chatter happens about twice as often as positive chatter in daily life; however, it can also be less helpful when we're trying to make decisions or complete tasks because it's more critical than promoting motivation and self-efficacy.
Ethan Kross thinks one type is helpful, the other not so much.
Ethan Kross is a psychologist at the University of Michigan and the author of Chatter: Uncovering the Extraordinary Hidden Influence of Internal Conversations on Our Lives and Relationships. He thinks there are two types of internal monologues, one helpful, one not so much.
The first type is what Kross calls "thought flow." This is when you have a conversation with yourself in your head while you're doing something else—like driving or taking out your trash. It's basically like talking on speakerphone without anyone else hearing it. This kind of chatter is harmless and can be useful because it helps us to solve problems and make decisions: "I'm having trouble reaching my hand up to that shelf," or "I think I'll take this left turn instead," or even just wondering how many people will show up for class today. Thought flow usually has no effect on our moods or behaviors; it's just there as we go about our day-to-day lives.
But then there's another kind of internal talk that goes beyond thought flow: rumination (or brooding). Rumination happens when one specific topic monopolizes all other thoughts in your mind—and when it does, it can be harmful in several ways.*
Kross is a psychologist at the University of Michigan and author of Chatter.
This is the first time I’ve thought about this, but I’m glad you asked.
I think that when we find ourselves in a negative spiral of thoughts, it’s important to remember that these thoughts are not the truth. They are just our minds trying to protect us from some kind of threat or danger. In order for them to be useful, they have to be grounded in reality; otherwise they can cause more harm than good (which is why people with depression and anxiety often struggle with their inner voice). So here's what you do: When your mind tries to convince you that something bad might happen in the future, ask yourself if there is actually any evidence suggesting this will happen? If no - then let go of those thoughts!
He says most of us are familiar with the negative chatter, but there's another kind of chatter that can be very helpful.
He says most of us are familiar with the negative chatter, but there's another kind of chatter that can be very helpful.
Positive chatter is the voice that tells you what you can do. It's the voice that encourages you when you're feeling low, and pushes you forward when things get tough. Negative chatter is just as natural as positive banter: it's human nature to notice what's wrong instead of what's right! But negative chatter has its problems too—it gets louder than positive banter, which makes it easier for us to hear.
The problem is that negative chatter just feels more natural.
If you're like most people, the negative chatter in your mind is more natural than its positive counterpart. You've been practicing it for years and have gotten pretty good at it, so it feels more natural to think negatively than positively. The good news is that this can be changed—you just need to practice more! The more you practice positive thinking (and stop practicing negative thinking), the easier it will become for you to choose optimism over pessimism. It may seem like a lot of work now, but eventually the change will become second nature.
Kross thinks we can train ourselves to change that.
The difference between talking to yourself and talking to others is that you don't have to be ashamed of the things you say. When you're speaking with someone else, it's easy to hide behind a mask or an act. But when you speak aloud in the second person, Kross explains, "you're basically saying to yourself, 'what if I said this?' And then you can evaluate whether what comes out of your mouth is true."
The importance of talking about goals rather than feelings cannot be overstated. Most of us are terrible at predicting what we'll feel in the future: people overestimate how much they'll enjoy eating unhealthy food and underestimate how much they'll like working out; people who lose their jobs are much more anxious than they expect they'll be; friends who go through rough breakups often find themselves feeling better than expected after a few weeks or months pass. But when we articulate our goals clearly—in writing as well as verbally—and decide exactly how satisfying it will feel when we accomplish them (or even close), we give ourselves a concrete target toward which our minds can steer us forward.
He says when you're talking to yourself and need to get work done, it's best to talk like you would if you were talking to someone else.
He says when you're talking to yourself and need to get work done, it's best to talk like you would if you were talking to someone else. This is called the second person. "This helps your brain focus on your goals, rather than the negative voice in your head," he explains.
For example: If I'm losing my temper at work because I'm having a bad day or feeling overwhelmed by my tasks for that day, I might say something like "You are calm and centered." Or if I'm worried about getting a raise or bonus at work: "You deserve this paycheck increase."
When people talk to themselves in the second person, they tend to focus on their goals and how satisfying it will be to accomplish them.
When people talk to themselves in the second person, they tend to focus on their goals and how satisfying it will be to accomplish them.
For example, if you are trying to lose weight, you might tell yourself “you can do this!” or “you look great!” If you are working on getting better at yoga, a positive self-talk statement could be something like “I am feeling more flexible today.”
When we use positive self-talk and keep our thoughts focused on the future or on what we have already accomplished, we are much less likely to dwell on our shortcomings and failures from yesterday or last week—which is precisely where difficulty lies for many of us who struggle with negative self-talk.
Talking in the second person might help you focus on your goals.
If you're trying to focus on your goals and overcome the negative voice in your mind, talking about yourself in the second person can help. The first-person pronoun "I" is a reference to the self. It's also an indication of ownership—it makes us believe we have control over what's happening around us. But sometimes we forget our own power and put ourselves down instead of focusing on what we want to achieve or accomplish.
By using "you" instead of "I," you're less likely to feel like a victim who has no control over his or her life (which is where doubt often comes from). You'll also become more aware of how much responsibility you do have when it comes to making things happen.*
For example: Instead of saying, “I need money” or “Money isn't important right now,” try saying something like “You deserve enough money so that you can afford everything you need in life." When someone says this kind of thing out loud with conviction (and maybe even a little passion), their internal monologue changes as well!
Conclusion
Kross says that this research is still in its early stages, but it does have some promising implications for how we can train our minds to think more positively. For example, he says talking to yourself in the second person might help you focus on your goals and what achieving them would mean for your life. It's definitely not a cure-all, but if nothing else it could be another tool in your mental health toolbox!
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